I wanted to update the site this morning because I had such an emotional Sunday, and it prevented a good night’s rest. I chose to write in my personal journal about what I was going through instead of here. (Yes, I’m one of the few that still put pen to paper. If you ever visit my house or office, you will find notebooks everywhere.) Today’s world is one of sharing every thought and activity online, but some things are not meant for public fodder. This morning was one of those things.
But now it’s 7:30 PM on a stormy Monday night and I’m sitting on the floor of my bedroom listening to music and writing. Would you like to know what I’d rather be doing on a stormy Monday night while listening to Usher sing about fucking me back to sleep? I’d rather be getting fucked back to sleep.
Unfortunately, that is about as likely as that reality star Donald Trump having a successful presidential run. Oh wait…
The only thing more single than I am currently is a dollar bill with glitter stuck to it catching a ride on the rear wheel of the Nissan Sentra leaving Magic City at 3AM.
I. Am. Single.
It’s not that I’m not dating. I date often. I entertain more than that. But…tuh! Let me share two conversations with two different men I had last week.
1st Guy: Are you going to the Wine Mixer tonight?
Me: No. Not really feeling going out tonight.
1st Guy: Are you serious? Why aren’t you going?
Me: Because I don’t want to.
1st Guy: You are contrary. Has anyone ever told you that?
Me: If I’m so damn contrary, why do you keep calling me?
1st Guy: There’s a remedy for that. I’ll stop calling.
That escalated so quickly. We haven’t spoken since. I didn’t even realize we hadn’t until I typed this. That’s probably why I’m single.
2nd Guy: I’m looking at you. I can tell you’re all bark and no bite.
Me: You’ve known me for five minutes. Trust me. I bite.
2nd Guy: Naw. You just bark.
Me: I have a few men in my past who would disagree with you.
2nd Guy: Were they Ques?
2nd Guy: That’s your problem. Trust that we know how to handle a mouth like yours.
That was just adorable. Hope springs eternal, I guess.
This isn’t an inspirational or a revelatory post. This is a single girl on a stormy night bitch session. Dating is difficult. It is both mentally and physically exhausting. The last guy I was interested in? We can’t manage a civil conversation nowadays. Have you ever seen the footage of the nuke hitting Hiroshima? That’s not even an exaggeration. I’m still finding wreckage in my life from that disaster. He never called me contrary, but he called me crazy. A lot. He was a decade older so he mentioned my youth more than once. Mostly, my mouth was his main combatant. Admittedly, my insanity can even surprise me at times, but it seemed lost on him that he was the impetus unleashing my crazy and my mouth.
I am in no rush to suffer through another such disaster, but who wants to be alone on nights like this? Who doesn’t want someone to confide in when there are emotional days like yesterday? So you make yourself available. You go through the introductions, the endless text exchanges, the unchanging first date questions. That’s if he ever moves beyond text, and if he does, if he suggests something other than Netflix and chill. If, if, if. Maybe you’ll get beyond that, pass each other’s interview process. Then there’s a second date, a third date, so forth. You’re intrigued by him but not yet enough to lie with him.
Well, that’s when you get called contrary. Because someone at some point informed him that he was everything women looked for in a man, and instead of doing some self-evaluation and discovering why you’re not clinging to him like a barnacle, it’s best for his ego to label you as deficient. Thus, contrary.
Or maybe you do lie with each other and now you’re dating and sexing exclusively. You’re on your way! But that’s where Mr. Afraid of Commitment shows up. Or Mr. Set in His Ways. Mr. Does Not Acknowledge an Opinion Other Than His Own.
So when the 2nd Guy from earlier intimated that he had what it takes to handle a mouth like mine, I scoffed. Men have this innate need to conquer challenges, and that’s how women are viewed. The more difficult, the better. He doesn’t want to fail so if he really wants a return on his investment, he will excel over every obstacle you erect. And then we women give in. He’s overachieving so his interest must be genuine. We let him in and what happens? His motivation evaporates. Shit just dissipates into thin air. If you’re like me, you become emotionally tied to the man you sleep with. You open your whole world to him. No more obstacles. Now it’s time to reach this deeper level of emotional intimacy with each other. What makes him, him; what makes you, you. But he exhausted all of his effort in his quest to get you underneath him. Now that he’s accomplished that, he wants to just coast. And when you start reacting to his lackluster interest, you’re told you’re tripping. You’re fucking crazy.
And where do you find yourself? Sitting on the floor at 9PM listening to Raheem Devaughn sing while you shovel popcorn in your mouth and considering a text to 2nd Guy. Maybe the Ques do have what it takes.
Tonight’s lonely Soundtrack – Raheem Devaughn’s Whole On A Baby