Unapologetic

Nothing disrupts my sleep at night like realizing I explained myself when I shouldn’t have. I hate being misunderstood so I will become very voluble when in the moment. Even after walking away, if things remain unsaid, I’m not above sending an extended text message. I will light up a phone.  Hours later, when the mouthy beast inside me has been satiated, I will realize I should have just kept my lips closed. People hear what they want to hear. They will only understand what they allow their views to be open to. Predominately, you will find yourself offering an explanation to someone who has closed their mind to facts that do not support their opinion. Yet again, I’ve allowed another’s bullshit to cause me to defend myself.

“I fuck with you until I realize I’m just too much for you.”

We have to stop allowing another’s perception, possible or actual, of us to govern our actions. We are flawed. We are imperfect. You talk too much. You are too loud. You take up too much space. You are crazy. It still remains that…

…There ain’t a damn thing wrong with you.

My one resolution in 2015 was to stop saying I’m sorry. In the past, when I would say something nonconforming, I would preface it with “I’m sorry but.” “I’m sorry but Prince is the greatest artist of all time.” “I’m sorry but Greg Hardy shouldn’t be allowed in civilized society, much less a football field.” “I’m sorry but men spew more bullshit than an actual cattle’s ass.” “I’m sorry but I deserve a pay raise as I’ve been carrying this department on my back lately.” Essentially, I was apologizing for having an opinion. The habit became so instinctual that I would not realize when it reared itself. Why was I trying to assuage the impact of my opinion by requesting to be excused for it before it even left my mouth?

“I fuck with you until I realize I’m just too much for you.”

There is always someone that wants to reduce you, keep you contained. It could be your job, your lover, your family, society. You’re easier to deal with if you’re constrained. Maybe you wanted to wear neon purple socks with a houndstooth skirt on your school trip, and your mom said no. You wanted to climb the oak tree at the park, but your mom told you that wasn’t ladylike. You wanted to pursue music or art in college, but your father told you that wasn’t a profitable field. Your boss tells you your new approach to analysis is not the way the company does things. Your boyfriend calls you difficult when your emotions take over.

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Sooner or later, you’re no longer you. You’ve compromised yourself so much and so often in life that there’s nothing you about you. People have been taking bits of your personality for so long that it does not even register anymore. You’ve actually become accustomed to constraining yourself so as to not be judged or rejected.

Fuck that. Be you. Unapologetically. Radiate!

Be bold. Be loud. EXIST.

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I have been/am being/will continue to be called weird, combative, aggressive, spoiled, crazy, too outspoken.  And far too often, I fought against these descriptions because of the negative context. I needed to be seen and understood. There existed this worry that if I didn’t change whoever’s opinion, it may negatively affect my life.

 “I fuck with you until I realize I’m too much for you.”

All those things makes me me. I’m a mess. I’m a fighter. I’m notoriously wrong at times and unabashedly right at others. Yet no one deserves an apology if I’m not what you want. I’m not on Earth to be held responsible for your bad taste. I don’t know what show you thought you were tuning in for, but you might want to adjust your connection. This is HBO Now, honey, not YouTube. You watch what’s available, not what you wish to upload.

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What God intends for you, no one walking this Earth can detour.

Psalms 56:4 “In God, I will praise his word, in God, I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.”

You get one life. One. Break the fucking rules. Be authentic to that little girl who wanted to wear neon purple socks. SLAY your natural. Curse. Don’t curse. Fuck him on the first night. Let him handcuff you to the bed. Make him wait 90 days. Go to church on a date. Set his life on fire if he disrespects you. Lay in the grass on your lunch break. Leave a job that keeps putting its foot on your neck. Rock a tutu. Flash some leg. Reveal some cleavage. Only wear boat neck tops and midi skirts. Poke dat ass out so he can grab it. If you want to say it, SAY IT. Speak up. Loudly. Rock red lips and black stilettos. SUCCEED. Walk away and not look back. STRUT. Do not apologize.

Most importantly, be amazing. Live knowing that you and only you reserve the right to define that for your life.

For anyone who choose to not stay around when you are existing, do not explain. Never believe for a second, darling, that you were too much to handle. Their hands were just not enough to hold  you. 

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Today’s Soundtrack – Beyonce’s Don’t Hurt Yourself

(Featured Image by Nicholle Kobi)
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2 thoughts on “Unapologetic

  1. This gave me LIFE!!!!!! I’m not apologizing anymore for being my authentic self. Also, I had a “Fuck it” moment recently and it was the most exhilarating experience in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

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