Can’t You See My Joy?

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I’m living my best life. And I know that because my joy radiates. My happiness is so genuine now. It isn’t dictated by how my work day progresses, if texts are replied to in a timely fashion, if payday is imminent, if Chadwick Boseman winked at me (don’t pop my bubble), etc. When I relinquished control of this journey, there came this recognition that anything which threatened my contentment had already been taken care of. I will always have everything I need. Why overwhelm myself with tomorrow’s concerns when I did the same thing yesterday regarding today? And look! Today’s here and every need is being met. My priority each day is to allow God to lead, and if I depart on a detour during these twenty-four hours, I know He’s standing right there with His arm outstretched awaiting my return.  This joy is not man-given so man can’t take it away, no matter what the day brings.

“I can beat the night/ I’m not afraid of thunder/ I am full of light/ I am full of wonder”

Do you know what happens when people start noticing your happiness? Some want to discover why, and when I reply similarly to above, they start asking specific questions to hopefully reveal that your life is not as perfect as you portray. Well, how’s the job going? How’s the weight loss coming? Or the most common, since I do not hide my single status, you found somebody yet?

I am sexually abstinent. (I am not celibate. Though I am reading The Wait, celibacy is a vow, and I have not made one.) Before it’s asked or assume, I love sex and yes, I do miss it. You know what I do not miss? The bullshit that comes with sex. The worry that creeps up when my tracker app alerts me that my period is a day late, the craziness that comes when he doesn’t call as early the next day as I think he should, the pretense that I enjoy giving head when I loathe that shit. (Joking. No, I’m not. The gagging, the spit, the finding babies in my extensions the next morning, the “don’t this ninja know I need to breathe”)

Not only am I abstinent, I am also taking a hiatus from dating. This is a recent decision, and I feel eons lighter already. Dating is an exhausting practice. Honestly, it is like walking through the cosmetics area of any department store over and over again. As soon as you successfully maneuver beyond the salesperson spritzing everyone with Dior’s most recent fragrance, someone steps forward with Marc Jacob’s newest eyeshadow palette. Dating is just an unending cycle of sales pitches and elevator speeches.  And honestly, everyone is more impressed with their own speech than the person hearing it is.

I turned 30 in late 2012, and all of society’s expectations hit me with the subtlety of a meteor. In the years since, I dated, grew disappointed, and dated again. I gave myself to someone who didn’t properly value my offering, nursed my broken heart for a month or so, and then did it over again with someone else. I endured men putting forth effort to make me want them only to snatch it away once I did. I asserted my views, pissed off a man, and then questioned if I were too much to handle. Maybe I should speak less, take up less space. Tried that and my mouth ran amok again. The more visible I became on social media, the more my hotline blinged, the more men complimented my acumen and then attempted the quickest path to get their D inside my V. All of those unsolicited erections had me constantly evaluating and re-evaluating how I portrayed myself as if I were to blame for why men felt there was something so monumental about their erections that I should be grateful for the opportunity to worship.

Yet I continued to “put myself out there” because I was over 30, and God forbid, you’re a woman over thirty and single. Nothing you’ve accomplished in life thus far matters because no man has given you his last name. There is obviously a flaw in you; you must be deficient. And I battle that stigma every day: at church, at work, at dinner with family. Nix is single; she must be unhappy. She’s too pretty to be alone, too amazing to not belong to someone. You must not be putting yourself out there. Here, let me introduce you to…

“I know I’m amazing. I’m witty and cute and funny and smarter than you. I’m incredible! And I’m going to change the damn world.” Susan Ross, Scandal

I’ve taken the radical approach that the level of amazingness that I am does not require elevator speeches. It does not require my proving it to anyone who does not recognize it. It does not require accepting less than I want for fear of entering another year single. It does not require engaging in mind-numbing back and forth texts hoping he takes initiative and asks for a date.

CaptureI’ve taken the radical approach that my vajayjay is not a bargaining chip. It is not leverage in a negotiation. It is not a reward to be won or an introduction to said amazingness. Sex is an incredible experience. But there are orgasms and there are ORGASMS. When executed properly and obediently, it elevates you to a plane where it feels like communication with God. And if sexuality, as some say, is meant to be worship of God, the man who worships inside me needs an introduction from God. My love is the kind that requires commitment and devotion and I am confident in that fact.

“When I call U up, I wanna tell U what to wear/ Don’t be surprised if I tell you to go bare/ Long as you wash between your soul and through your hair/ I’ll do my duty there” Prince, Come

This is how I’ve chosen to travel this journey and no one’s understanding of that is necessary. I’m not bitter and I don’t own a “Jesus Is My Husband” tee shirt. My having the reins in my love life has only lead to heartache and soaked pillows and name-calling. It has been beyond apparent that I have no idea what I’m doing.

I want to be in love, and I don’t feel desperate or embarrassed to admit that. I want to be receiving that good D on the regular. I daydream about the day love (with good D) finds me and it is true. However, if I needed it in my life today, God would provide it. But until the day He does, I will still exist. And the happiness in my existing does not come from who and what each day brings but rather that I have another day. I have life and what is more joyous than that?

1 Corinthians 7:34 An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.

Today’s Soundtrack: Naughty Boy and Emeli Sande – Wonder

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11 thoughts on “Can’t You See My Joy?

  1. I am loving this!! I love them all!! People fail to realize that you can still be happy and enjoying life as a single woman. Just last year, I had multiple people ask me if I was a lesbian. Like seriously, really people!!
    Keep them coming… I look forward to them! It’s like I’m reading my thoughts and what happening in my own life! Great work!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Not really the replying type. I think my thoughts are more for me than the world, but we must encourage as we encourage ourselves. It’s nice to truly meet you. To bare witness as you define yourself for yourself, is refreshing, inspiring, enlightening. If perspective is truth, your clarity behooves you.
    As for the message, it is haunting. It rekindles that sweetness of the love of God, wanting nothing, fearless and joyous. Things and people in life jade that zeal. I pray that it continues to engulf you. His timing is perfect. His choice for you will forfill all your desires. For He knows the desires of your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

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