There is one question I REFUSE to ask a man – What are we?
Or any derivative of that question. What are we doing? Where are we going with this? And it isn’t because I’m afraid of the answer.
It’s because I don’t need his answer.
I am a black woman wearing a size 12 in clothes (#thickthighssavelives). There are a lot of things in life which are not geared toward me. They don’t advertise to me. There are stores which do not carry clothes with enough fabric for these breasts and thighs. There are bars and restaurants which do not want to admit a person with visible melanin. There are corporations who will not put a woman on its Board of Directors. These things and more were not created for me. They do not want my patronage or dollars.
Allow me to harken back to the Civil Rights Movement. I lean more toward the Malcolm X/Black Panther way of thinking. I won’t beg for integration because I do not need you. For centuries, black people were miseducated and brainwashed to believe our survival dependent upon inclusiveness granted by the white man. That has never been factual. We are all born with everything we need to survive and excel.
If someone/something does not want you, fuck them. Don’t take that shit personally. Stop catering and start being catered to. When I walk by a boutique with stick-thin, no curves having white models in the windows, I keep walking. I could protest and start an online petition forcing them to be more inclusive. I could go home and adapt my body to fit the clothing they offer. Or I could recognize the worth of my dollar and the worth of me. Thus, I take my fine ass to a business that actively wants and pursues me.
Self-confidence is an undeniable, indisputable, irrevocable belief in one’s qualities and abilities. No one’s opinion of me has any bearing on how I greet and conquer the day. A compliment should be affirmation, not confirmation. When you leave your self-worth open to another’s interpretation, you defeat yourself. I often get called aggressive, both in my career and relationships. Unfortunately, I internalized the negative way it was levied at me and tried to be less that. It took me far too long to realize I simply knew what I wanted and was unafraid to make it known.
Many women today are too fearful to say what it is we want and too self-sabotaging to pursue it. Thus, we keep finding ourselves in situationships when we KNOW we want a relationship. You went out a few times, got intimate, and he tells you he’s not looking for a relationship. And that’s where he stops. He doesn’t specifically say that he’s not looking for a relationship with you so you incorrectly interpret that to mean it’s just timing. Maybe he’s too busy with work or his children so you’ll keep sexing him and wait him out. Start doing girlfriend/wifey things and he’ll notice so when the time is right, he will choose you. Baby girl, he is never going to choose you. He was never going to choose you. There was nothing you could have done differently. Not talk less, not demand less, not give head more, not stay on top longer. You were always just a guaranteed option in his phone. Men say just enough to keep you baited, but not enough to be responsible for any damage he causes.
He didn’t fail you. And you did not fail in your pursuit of him. You failed yourself.
If you do not want a situationship, you do not have to be in one. You do not have to wait on him to define what you guys are or to outline where you’re headed. You have as much power as he does. Let me repeat that. YOU HAVE AS MUCH POWER AS HE DOES. He’s attractive and successful. Are you not? He has options. Other women are pursuing him. So do you! Is he putting your vajayjay on a pedestal? Is he saying no to other women because he is sleeping with you? Then why are you?
We must learn how to handle dick. I don’t mean taking it and throwing dat ass back. I’m talking about handling the providers of dick. See him as the flawed bullshit artist he is because he is. And so are you. Because you allow yourself to be convinced that the little he gives you is enough for you. He keeps doing less and you keep accepting it knowing it is not what you want. It’s not even a compromise; it’s a rout. Your defenses scattered as soon as he penetrated. You forget everything that makes you you in order to get it again. Dick is not smarter than you. It is not imbued with the powers of Sauron. It can no more cause the sun to rise the next morning than you can. Grab that one-eyed monster and its two legged owner and tell him who you are, what you want, and what he needs to do to have you. And if said dick does not erect itself to the challenge of you, you declare that dick ineligible.
If there is nothing else I want you to take from my site, it’s this. You are worthy of everything you want. You want commitment. Demand it. You want his attention. Demand it. Be confident in what you bring to the table. And if he does not want to take a seat at it, you don’t change what you offer. You don’t do anything. Because the man who is meant to reign at your table will accept his throne. You won’t have to adjust who you are or force it upon him. And you have to be confident in that.
If I want enchiladas, I do not go to an Italian restaurant. If I’m looking for a flattering top in my size, I do not frequent a store that does not offer it. And if I want a relationship, I do not pursue a man who says he does not. Do not allow a dick (or life) to happen to you. You happen to that dick.
Today’s Soundtrack: Fantasia – I’m Doin’ Me