In my twenties, I wore that title like a badge of honor. I was 23 and had already reached lower-middle management at my company. I had my own place and paid my own bills. I made enough to send money back to my family.
I was doing the damn thing and was proud of it.
And I wanted every man who was interested in me to recognize that. To know that I didn’t need him. My time was merely a courtesy I was extending.
How ignorant was I?
From those who know me personally, this is a huge admission for me but…I don’t know shit. As each day passes, I keep learning exactly how much I do not know – professionally, personally, spiritually. I have mood swings from day to day. I’m up one hour, down the next. I want to be left alone one moment and next, I need to be out so as to not be alone with my thoughts. I’m happy, but I’m not. I’m accomplished, but I’m not. I believe my future is on an upward trajectory or is it?
I have my plans, and God has His. I know what I want; God gives me what I need.
I pray. Every day. Several times throughout. I’m always praising Him and thanking Him, because I feel God in the smallest things each day. And I know if not but for the Grace of God…
Yesterday was a rough day, and how I wanted to recover from it was with wine, chocolate, and an orgasm. I chose instead to go home and pray. And pray long. I didn’t return the text or make the call my libido wanted. I instead listened to Whom my spirit needed.
For people are fallible. It’s best to not allow one’s self to overdose on people in particular. Most will fail you and bring their own pain into your life. They will disappoint you. They will undervalue you, you being a child of the King, and call themselves a Christian in the same breath. It’s hard to hear God when you’re constantly in the court of public opinion.
I’m not self-centered enough to believe I’m the only one who struggles with bending to God’s Will in her life, not becoming disheartened when her timeline does not align with His, and attempting to find solace in one of His fallible children instead of Him. Sometimes, you need that helpmeet now! You need another pair of knees to pray with so you settle for who’s there and not who God has revealed.
I keep failing, but I keep getting up. Because I know my peace is right there! I just have to keep going. I have to keep casting aside the demons that are being sent my way.
I am not the Miss Independent Woman I was in my 20s. I have been humbled. And I am grateful to still be standing today. I am grateful that in my lowest moments, God reminds me that He is there. That this, too, shall pass. And I understand that every battle I encounter is layering me with another armor of strength.
“For thus says the LORD, ‘When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. ‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ‘Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.‘You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. ‘I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.'” (Jeremiah 29: 10-14)
(I wrote it and post it. So no time for edits. Forgive the lack of fluidity and grammatical mistakes.)