I cannot teach self-worth.
Back when I was an active women’s advocate, the previous statement would keep me up nights. I could tell these battered women repeatedly how she did not have to stay in her situation. I could tell her how necessary her light was for this world that God created her. I could assure her that another man will want her one day but that her value is not determined by another’s desire of her. I could say all these things. And in those moments when I’m talking, I could see their heads raise a little higher, their eyes light with hope.
Days later, sometimes mere hours, most would return to the situation that led them to my presence originally.
You could tell someone all the reasons they should value themselves, but that belief in themselves has to come from inside. It is a decision they have to make. No one else can make it for them.
I used to have low self-esteem. No one seems to believe that nowadays, but it’s true. It was not the head-down, knuckles-dragging, eyes-lowered, lack of self-confidence. It was the “this man is barely employed and not really my type but no one else is calling so why not return his call.” It was my lack of the coveted “waist to ass” ratio and my possession of a face extremely prone to adult acne that convinced me that though my type might be the Jesse Williams/Eric Holders of the world, I should content myself with whatever man came along in the interim. I always wised up, but it was usually later than sooner.
How did I break myself out of that defeatist mentality? Did I have surgery to get the measurements men crave? Did I find the elusive cure for unblemished skin? No, but I am still capsaicin hot. I would like to say it was a 12 step process and offer you an annotated guide to reclaim your confidence and power. I could offer a scripture which drastically changed my world view. None of that happened, though. I could say that it does not happen overnight and that it required a lot of prayer. That’s not true as well.
I simply made the choice. I made the choice that I am worth everything I want. And everything else fell in line accordingly.
It really was that simple. Being worthy of everything you want is immediate. It’s not something you have to earn from another. The difficulty is choosing to believe you are. The hardest part of any journey is deciding that you are worth the trip. If you KNOW that the happiness, the confidence, and the self-love are what you deserve in this life, anything that arises contradictory to that belief will be defeated. It will have no choice when faced with your unwavering confidence.
“Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear your flaws like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.” -Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones
I love women. I honestly do. I am constantly amazed by our brilliance, by our resilience, and our ability to be our own worst friend. We women believe and say things about ourselves that we would NEVER allow someone to say about our friends. He disrespects you, but it’s because you are fat. If you only lost the weight, he would return your text. You are a size 4 and gorgeous yet he still cheats. It obviously must be because you do not have your college degree. Or because your skin is chocolate. Or your curl pattern is 4b. Or your polish was chipped when you met. Or you slept with him on the first night. Blah, blah, blah. A woman could be attractive, educated, Christian, and accomplished, and we will still find a way to blame ourselves for a man’s inadequacies.
Stop that bullshit.
Woman up. Lean in. Ignore his text. Block his number. Grab your fly friends and go do fly shit.
You exist. So your equivalent exists. Go forth and enjoy life until he reveals himself.
We have to start finding ourselves as impressive and necessary as the man we’re thirsting for. More impressive actually. Definitely more necessary.
We have to start recognizing we deserve the orgasm to end all orgasms and to keep bouncing to the next one until it arrives.
We have to start realizing we are worthy of the dates and time we beg for and to see that the man who you have to prove this worth to is the wrong one for us. A man who wants to be with you will discover what will make you happy and do such.
Ignore the “wyd stranger” texts from your ex.
Consign to oblivion that man who makes you feel like you are not enough.
Dismiss anyone who you feel you have to remind or convince of your value.
Screw the statistics of unmarried black women. Fuck the single woman to man ratio in your city.
STOP ALLOWING NONSUBSTANTIVES TO DISRUPT YOUR REIGN.
My life falls apart on a weekly basis. All things do not go my way, and an unwanted roadblock often appears. But I keep moving, one foot in front of the other. Because I know I’m worthy of my goals and ambitions. I believe that I can reach them so I will. The career and life I want are achievable and I will have it. I’m deserving of that 90s R&B love I dream of, and it will manifest. Knowing these things enable me with the courage and fortitude to face every rejection, recover after every misstep, to have a genuine smile upon my face no matter what is happening. I am happy now. I am impressive now.
Trouble will not last always. I promise you. This pain that you feel is not fated to be there each morning you arise. He may have damaged you, sweetheart, but YOU ARE NOT HIS DAMAGE.
The love and happiness you want and need in life will not come from another human being. YOU ARE everything you need. YOU ARE everything you want. YOU ARE the love you are waiting for. You simply ARE, darling.
“You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.” -Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon
Today’s Soundtrack: Blackstreet – No Diggity “Shorty get down, good lord/ Baby got ’em open all over town/ Strictly biz, she don’t play around”