This Little Ego of Mine

I have a huge ego. I honestly believe I’m amazing. I describe myself as brilliant with no trace of humility. I strut proudly in heels with my head high because cognitively, I know a star is blessing the populace with her presence.

Basically…

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Me…

 

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Everyone Else…

This permeates every facet of my life. Work, love life, calling customer service. “Capital One, do you NOT understand now who is on the line? Connect me to a representative IMMEDIATELY.”

I even get annoyed when someone unattractive (physically, professionally, ecumenically) hits on me. Like “motherfu…!” I’ll pull out a mirror to make sure I am still who I am.  “How dare you insult me with your misguided hopes? Lowering my property value by just standing near me. Go on now. Shoo!”

I do not lack in confidence. My belief in myself (and my God) is so thorough that even on my worst days, I cannot not smile. Whatever the trouble is I know it is temporary. Whatever was denied me today, I will receive greater tomorrow. Whatever I failed at today, I will achieve its superior tomorrow.

Call it arrogance; I call it confidence. Like honestly, y’all, I’m the shit.

My ego keeps my head high. It works like Teflon. Whatever may have hurt me, but it did not break me. There was a connection but no penetration. However, because of the massiveness of my ego, I also have a blind spot – others’ opinions. I assume everyone else must be as infatuated with me as I am.  I’m with myself all day so I know how incredible I am. How could anyone possibly miss all this starpower? But some do. And my impressive ass willingly walks right into getting my feelings hurt.

Listen. Everyone, hell…most will not recognize who you are. You think you’re the hottest thing walking. To them, eh…you’ll do. You thought your D game was A-1. She finished with a vibrator while you slept. You believed the capacity of your bank account would be enough to keep her allowing your BS. *Jadakiss laugh* HA! That was adorable.

When your worth is self-defined, it takes your brain and heart longer than it should to hear what another thinks of you. You’re just not built to search for your value in someone else. I am beyond guilty of this. I decide if I’m happy. I decide if I deserve those new shoes. I decide if my salary requires a higher price point. I, I, I. While I was focused on I, though, he’s been disrespecting me in my blind spot. It was mentioned in a previous post how though I understood my value at my prior job, I stayed around longer than I should have expecting them to appreciate my value by paying me what I deserve. They acknowledged my value constantly. Awards, new opportunities, recommendations, praise. My pay, however, did not reflect any of this, but I stayed around because it will eventually, right? They must know how intrinsic I am. Everyone I knew professionally assumed I had a higher title and pay grade. And if those on the outside recognized my worth, its reflection was only inevitable to those on the inside, obvi.

That did not come to fruition. I bear no ill will because the blame in that lies with me. Though I never lost my confidence, I allowed myself to be underappreciated. I ALLOWED IT. I am my biggest cheerleader. It’s perfectly okay if I am my only cheerleader. So I assume when someone is not cheering for me or appreciating me, it doesn’t mean my value isn’t existent. They just haven’t noticed it yet. So I do more.I work harder. I go beyond. Essentially, I started selling myself instead of just being myself.

And that should always be enough. IT IS ENOUGH. Everyone who enters your solar system should cheer for you. If they do not, don’t change your solar system. You remove them. Listen here, this is everyone’s assignment for the day. Learn these words: FUCK YOU. Say it with me now. Fuck. You. Utter it from your chest.

Someone undervaluing you is not reflective of your value. Someone not giving you what you believe you deserve does not make you undeserving. When it is not what you want, when it is not what you need, walk away. You never need permission to walk away. You do not have to give it another shot. Has he earned the benefit of doubt? No. Then why are you giving it to him?

You screwed up. He hurt your feelings. You put hope in his potential. Said investment did not yield a positive return. Chalk that up as a lesson learned. That does not mean adjust anything about you. All that means is he was not the one for you. Feel that pain. Be humbled. Then put your stilettos back on and strut! There is someone out there badder than you. There is someone out there freakier than you. There is someone out there more successful and accomplished. There is always someone easier and more willing to compromise than you. So fucking what? 

You are still the sun. Cloudy people may enter your atmosphere and momentarily block your shine, but it is always there. It cannot be diminished. It cannot be dulled. It cannot be taken away. You are you, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Understand that when you are not shining, it is because you are not allowing yourself to do so. Give yourself permission to blind motherfuckers.

You have every reason to feel like you are THAT WOMAN. Own that shit.

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Today’s Soundtrack: Beyonce – Ego

 

 

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