I don’t like to emotionally bleed all over these here interwebs, and I had no plans to update this week. But I’ve been dealing with this turmoil in my equilibrium for the past twelve hours, and writing is how I quiet the voices. They can get a little hostile.
A few days ago, I found myself sitting on my 8th floor office balcony overlooking North Dallas and reflecting on how different my life is from a year ago. Actually, how different it is from only six months ago. And not just a new job, a new location, and new friends. My life is a lot less cloudy. When your worst fears come to life, when your worst embarrassment is witnessed, when your finances tumbled, AND YOU STILL SURVIVED. When in a matter of months, you’re stalked in one hotel, physically assaulted in another, and then sexually harassed by the person who’s supposed to redress these wrongs. (Facts.) All of this while simply doing your job? Then being treated as a source of gossip instead of sympathy for the toil it has taken on you?
That’s when you realize that no matter how many storm clouds are above your head, the sun is still there. So you have faith because you know those clouds are only temporary. You find a never-ending reserve of strength previously hidden by your own doubts. You call on the power of every black woman in your DNA lineage. And you stop fearing what may be and you stop giving a fuck what is.
Listen here, I love me. I self-diagnose as a narcissist because I love the hell out of me. My resume impresses me. My vocabulary wows me. My body arouses me. My intelligence astounds me. I’m brilliant, beautiful, and black. Dammit if I don’t kiss my mirror in the morning seeing all this ebony excellence staring back at me.
There is no but. I am Nix.
Waking up in the morning and exuding brilliance. Fuck you mean I ain’t what brought the tide in this morning.
Knowing who I am and living as who I am are what has altered my life this year. Because I honestly do not care what another person thinks. If you love me like I love me…hey honey! *air kisses* If you do not…hey honey! *air kisses* I am still Nix.
The freedom you feel when you realize your value is self-determined. The responsibility you hold when you recognize your emotions are your choices. Thus, your actions are ALL you can be held accountable for. So what another motherfucker does is solely a reflection of that motherfucker and has nothing to do with you. The courage that overwhelms when the realization that this life is yours and yours alone. And no one has a say in that but you and your Creator.
Having this knowledge, can you honestly say you give a fuck? About her? About him? About them? About it?
Because I do not.
All my fucks are reserved for me.