Happy.

(This is more of a personal update than a post.)

So…some things have changed for me over the past few weeks. As my favorite auntie in my mind declared earlier this year, I had to reclaim my time.

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About a month ago, I was having a conversation with this man I, at one time, thought I wanted a future with, and we were discussing a few friends of mine and why they were still single.

Me: She’s very attractive. Why is she single?

Him: Yeah, but she brings nothing to the table.

Me: Okay. What about this woman? She’s attractive and accomplished. She has her own table. Why is she single?

Him: Yeah, but she’s crazy. I have a lot of homeboys that want to holler, and we all have heard the stories about her.

Me: Oh okay. But what about this one? She’s attractive, independent, no crazy stories, etc. Why hasn’t she been wifed?

Him: Her standards are too high.

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Now all women are aware that most men are full of shit, but we still fool with them because we are forever hopeful. But this was the moment I realized the exact depth and stink of the shit that comprised them. I’m not even sure I had an outward reaction to the conversation above, but mentally, at that moment, I KNEW I’d wasted months of my life wanting this man. And the epiphany wasn’t recognition that hewould never commit, but that he never deserved or earned my time in the first place.

Because ninjas, bruh. They are constantly moving the goal posts. Have a fat ass. But bring something to the table other than ass. Be smart. Be accomplished. But not to the point that your achievements are threatening. Don’t give it up on the first date. But do accept this D pic. Be cool. Go with the flow. Don’t press for a relationship right now.  Or three months from now. Or three years from now. Just chill. Damn!

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It’s Friday and I’m not trying to man bash. Besides, I am one happy woman nowadays. I’ve met someone (“Mr.”) who is good to me, who appreciates me. He made his purpose known from our first conversation. I told him what I wanted in a man, even what I needed on the dating journey to become my man. And Mr. didn’t flinch. He reads my posts, doesn’t get intimidated. Told me the word wasn’t even in his vocabulary. His faith and love for God is humbling. He leads. His confidence made/makes me nervous. His absolute certainty that he can make me happy because in his words “he knows himself” has me giddy. And I am enjoying each moment.

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I’m trying to enjoy, rather. I have residual damage from the lessers before him who I allowed to make me feel like I never measured up. That even though I constantly altered and adjusted myself to fit whatever mold I thought would earn me his desire to make me happy, that desire never manifested. So I’m constantly listening for hidden motives behind his words, fighting back doubts that he isn’t where he’d said he’d be, restraining my stalker instincts to see if there are other women being fed the same words. I’m understanding what Beyonce meant when she screamed “to know you give it to her like you gave it to me” in Ring The Alarm. Because…huh! I’d skulldrag a heffa and Mr. right now. Don’t play with me.

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I try to not use the word “queen” on this site because I feel as if it has been bastardized. Some women nowadays only use the term to indicate how they wish to be treated but ignore the responsibilities that come with being a queen. A queen is more than a title. A queen is nobility.  A queen is a leader. A queen is. Some women only want to receive the title of queen by marrying a “king.” Your queendom is dependent upon someone finding you worthy.  But there exists those women who simply are queens. She is her own head-of-state. She may lower her head from time to time, but the crown will not move. And it’s those women that men try to convince they are peasants. They’ve been so spoiled by the subset of women who want to be given the title of queen, that when they encounter true greatness, they’d rather pull her down instead of leveling up.

And I’ve allowed myself to be treated like a peasant for far longer than my intelligence should have allowed.  Now when I’m presented with a man who respects me like the authority I am, I can’t trust it because I myself forgot that I am supreme. That I am solely responsible for me. That I rule my jurisdiction and I always have. It was never a democracy. This is my monarchy. Any moment from my past when I was treated less than wasn’t because I deserved less, it was because I allowed less.

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You know what makes me most upset? When I think about those past moments is when I chose to settle for mediocre pipe. Sigh. I just disappoint me.

Oh, but God kept me, though. Ooh! Bless you, Mr. 😉😍 (He is definitely reading this.)

My happy point for this weekend is that it does not matter what you settled for in your past. Have the courage to say STOP and prepare yourself to embrace the bigger blessing (Ha!) that God has in store.

Yes, I may be in La La Land because I’m happy and adored and well-sexed, but…Actually, no, that’s it. I’m happy and adored and well-sexed. Didn’t think that was possible a month ago. And this could all go wrong tomorrow.

But today, there is happiness. There is hope for a future. Better is always on the way.

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Weekend Soundtrack: Xscape – Feels So Good (Sistas…I think I’ve found the one)

10 thoughts on “Happy.

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