“I just don’t think I really have the energy for it. And to me dating feels like what I’ve heard people who (do) drugs feel like. There’s this rush of energy and good feeling, then…that crash. I don’t want to be high, just happy. No crash. No withdrawals.”
Raise your hand if you have ever felt exactly like she described. (Raise your hand and hit the LIKE button.) I received this message this morning, and I knew as soon as I read it that we would all be able to relate to what she’s feeling. Because who amongst us hasn’t been tempted to throw in the towel after yet another disappointment in dating? Who hasn’t been overcome with defeat when you knew you tried it differently this time and it still lead to another heartbreak? Why up your body count for something that won’t lead to a name change? Why even go out and risk yet another broken heart when you can stay home, safe and secure in your cashmere throw, with Netflix?
Most readers find my site through someone sharing it on Facebook or through text messages. Occasionally, Google will send someone to my site, and 98% of the time is to my post “Steps to Upgrade A Situationship.” I feel a little guilt each time I see this happen because I know there is someone hurting on the other end, hoping to find out how to save what she thought she had with some man, and unfortunately, that post is not a step-by-step guide on how to get a commitment. It’s about moving on and finding someone better. Women would rather save the unsaveable, though.
Dating isn’t always fun. Neither is it always torture. It is simply a necessity. You want that happily-ever-after. It doesn’t just fall into your lap. The work must be put in, and that work is dating. When I hear women say they are tired of dating, what I’m hearing is they are tired of failing. GOOD! You should be. That doesn’t mean you stop dating. You date SMARTER. You date PURPOSEFULLY. You date OBJECTIVELY. Have a list of Dos and Don’ts, Must-Haves and Negotiables. You date FREQUENTLY. Have multiple candidates until one rises to the top.
Date like a CEO.
We must stop creating entire futures in our minds when a potential love interest enters our life. We do a cursory review, find him to our liking, and because we’re so tired of being up on the shelf, we’ve elevated himself to Bae status, and he has not done shit yet but exist and breathe. What does he have? What has he done? What has he shown you? Fuck trying to convince men to choose us. You want to go out, but he suggests just saying in. You don’t want to seem demanding so you allow this. Why? WHY?!!? If it is not what you want, why are you allowing it? You prefer phone conversations, but all he does is text. So instead of mentioning that, you just go along with it. Because why? Because what? You do NOT have to settle for what you do NOT want! Who the fuck is he?
Be ruthless with these motherfuckers.
I could go on and on about the negative things men have told me. I’m too bossy, too demanding, unable to leave my career at the door, waaa, waaa, waaa 😭. One of the most regurgitated phrases is “You act like you don’t need a man.” Ha. This ain’t acting. 👏🏾 I.👏🏾 Don’t.👏🏾 If a man wants to be needed, show me what about you I need. It’s not our duty in life to show men that we can bend. Men must show us they have the character worthy of being bended for. If he wants to plant his flag on Mt. Everest, he must scale it first. And I am as unmovable and as unimpressed as Everest. The view from my summit is amazing, and my elevation will not decrease one meter so a man can have an easier climb. If he miscalculated on his first attempt, there is no shame in swallowing his pride, re-evaluating, and trying again. And if he decides he’d rather climb the practice wall at the local gym instead, that speaks to the type of man he is. His failure ain’t got shit to do with me. He sought Everest; Everest did not seek him.
Do not internalize a man’s bullshit.
When a man tells you that you’re difficult, don’t be offended. Nod and respond “yes, yes I am.” Life is difficult. Relationships are difficult. And the only man you should want next to you is one who will be able to traverse these obstacles with you. How will you know he is such a man if he never had to put in any effort?
Before you decide to throw in the towel, delete Tinder, and lock yourself inside this winter, I want you to take an honest look at these men, these disappointments, who have driven you inside. What about them is so powerful that they have the right to affect your life?
- Y’all fucked, and he didn’t call? Cool. Was it good? Thank him. An orgasm is never to be regretted. Did you not cum? Send that ass a bill.
- Instead of being asked on official dates, you just keep getting “When can I see you?” or “WYD?” We all receive those; it’s not only you. You block them. Men know how to date. They’re just trying to see if they can get what they want without having to do so.
- It’s been months, and he still won’t give you a title. Oh, you do have one. You’re a seat filler, an interim employee. You will do until the woman he really wants reveals herself. That woman is not you. Accept that.
Women control everything in our lives, except dating. We’ll accept whatever when it comes to that. Hell, a lot of y’all complaining that you’re tired of dating when you’ve never made it beyond “talking.” So what is it that prevents you from taking control in your love life? And if you say or thought “him,” I will find you and slap you. Approach dating like you’re interviewing for the most highly sought-after position in the world. And it is in your world. That date is an interview. His interview. Stop making this shit easy. The entire courting process is a trial run. It is meant to reveal the type of man he is, what in him attracts you, what tools and traits does he have to keep you happy. Stop rushing to have that man claim you and then hope he shows you what you are looking for. That’s ass-backwards.
We’ve allowed men to have this game fucked up for far too long. We court them now. We do wifey shit to prove we can be wifey all without being wifey. Y’all keep giving a fuck before he proves he deserves a fuck.
You’re not tired of dating. You’re tired of losing. Good. Now stop letting them win.
Today’s Soundtrack: Beyonce – Upgrade U