“But what does he mean?” How many times have you asked your friends or yourself that question? Something about your man’s behavior or words doesn’t add up, and you gotta figure this shit out. Is he finally ready to commit or is he still playing games? You believe his actions aren’t reconciling with reality when the truth usually is that the reality in your mind doesn’t reconcile with his actions. So we powwow with our friends over wine, dissect text messages, read relationship anecdotes online…any and everything to prove that you and he are heading toward a future together. You may even gather the courage to question him on his intentions, and instead of giving you a definite answer, he hems and haws, goes silent, or tells you he’s not looking for a relationship right now. And again you ask, “but what does he mean?”
I love you ladies so much that I have taken it upon myself to venture into the wolf’s den and go straight to the source. I decided to ask a few men in my life, whom I respectee, about a man’s behavior when he wants a future with a woman. Yes, I dared to try to obtain a straight answer from a man. And it turns out that it wasn’t difficult at all. I received some great responses. I’m sure you will appreciate their candor, and hopefully, it will help you evaluate the status of your current relationship. These men definitely have me putting mine under a microscope now.
How can a woman tell if a man sees a future with her? What are the things he would be doing?
Married, 35+ –
“How can a woman know if she’s in a man’s future plans or not? We will start going with you to wifey events, friends’ weddings, baby showers. When you talk about the future plans, his face doesn’t frown up or look away. His family will start calling you, wanting to hang out. He’ll start doing less things with the boys and more with you. Bottom line, you will feel it.”
Engaged, 35+ –
“Everything. He’ll never want you upset. He may or may not apologize, even when it’s not his fault. Be very protective of You even when it’s your family who hurt you. And whatever you want to do, it will be okay with him as long as he’s with You.. There’s never such a thing as too much time together when he’s with you. He’s totally there and wants to be involved in all you do. That’s just how it is. If he’s done any of these, he’s already said he loves you, just through actions. And I bet he’s wondering the same about you.”
Married, 30+ —
“Well, I personally believe it’s all about vibes. Men know what they like and care for. The major factor is if he’s ready at that time to commit. If not, it doesn’t matter what a woman does. For my wife, all it took was her cleaning my bathroom without my asking. Obviously, we talked, and I learned about what she valued in life but if she wouldn’t have cleaned my bathroom, who’s to say how long it would’ve taken me to tell her she was officially mine. Men are a complex species so there is no concrete way of seeing things our way…I made sure I took her out and shit. Before her, I had never courted a woman. I knew it was real when I started leaving my key under the mat.”
Divorced and Single, 35+ –
“He would be very attentive to her every need. He would flat out say it and not be afraid like a lil’ bitch. He would check on her to make sure she is good. She would hear from him all throughout the day and he would curb other chicks to stay focused on her.”
Divorced and Remarried, 35+ –
“This is just my opinion and my personal experience. When I knew I wanted to marry my second wife and spend my life with her, the first thing I did was remove any and all other choices. I let go of all my backup plans and side chicks. All of my thoughts of the future included her. I talked to her about OUR future. I did things that would make a future with us possible. For example, she wanted me to be debt free before we got married, so I became debt free. I included her in all of my big decisions like career choices and investments. I introduced her to my daughter and mother. We and our became my favorite words. These are the things that I did when I knew this woman was my future.”
Committed, 35+ –
“He’s going to want to spend time publicly and privately AFTER they have sex. He will want to introduce her to family and friends and not by chance. He will create a situation where the sole purpose is to introduce her – double dates, bringing her to his hometown, taking her to his parents’ house, etc…”
Divorced and Single, 40+ –
“Communication. Laying out a plan and actually discussing options. A man who wants a future with you talks about a future with you in detail. When I want to start “building” with you, it’s us getting a place, paying bills, securing futures for us as in investments together, supporting your future concerns and endeavors.”
Divorced and Committed, 40+ –
“You will be mine. A man claims what is his immediately. He will not give another man opportunity to touch what is his. You will always know you belong to me. My money, my home, my family, all will become yours. You have to trust me to lead you. I will guide you to the future I am preparing for you as long as you’re ready for it. I want to be happy so you are always happy.”
Married, 35+ –
“The most obvious way a woman can tell is if he speaks about a future that includes her. Another way is if he cares to establish a relationship with her family! Men don’t typically want to meet family because it makes that much harder to leave because that’s a separate relationship altogether. So, if he’s okay with meeting your mom, he might be assessing the possibility of being part of the family. If he’s enthused, that’s even better.
But none of this means anything if he hasn’t explored your mind and body and is intrigued by what he finds. Does he know what drives you? Favorite color? Food? Pet peeves? Those are basic personal questions he should ask early in the relationship. More intimate questions he should’ve asked are about your dreams, fantasy, and purpose. He needs to know that because he should want to help you reach all of that.
I can tell you a common mistake we, as men, make when we do find someone we can see ourselves with…we tend to think we can put women on layaway until we are ready to cash out. In other words, I’m going to put a down payment on this relationship because I think you’re special and I want you, but I can’t afford to give up my freedom just yet. Of the many, the biggest problem with this is that the lady might be taken by the time we are truly ready.”
Married, 50+ –
The question supposes that a future means marriage. He will respect your feelings. In other words, does he give you the space and accept how you feel at a given moment? Feelings are not right or wrong. They’re just real and should not be dismissed or trivialized. He respects the women in his family and those close to him. They are a window into his past and an indicator of a potential future. How are his finances? If money is a toy, he will play with it with no thought for the future. However, if he sees it as a tool to be used for a purpose, chances are he’s making plans for a future. Is he a person of faith? When he speaks of things in his life, are they referred to as possessions or blessings?
Remember, your man is not your mission project. You are neither his savior, his servant, nor his cell mate. You cannot teach him, train him, or make him into the man you want him to be.”
The responses above have only been edited for clarity and coherence. I may have asked a few follow-up questions, but these are their true responses. I loved how their answers all mirrored each other’s, and it helped me to see one vital piece of information. They all ensured the woman they wanted knew, and they cleared a path in their life for her. Ladies, if they want us, they will place the burden on themselves and do the work to have us.
(Did their responses resonate with you? Which ones did you like? Do you have any follow up questions? Let me know. I may be able to pin them down again.)
Today’s Soundtrack: Dave Hollister – Creation (H.E.R.)