Auditions Will Be Held at 9

You know what’s outdated? Flip phones.

You know what’s even more outdated? Judging women who sleep with you on the first date or within the first few.

We get you naked early to find out if you’re even worth our MFing time. These are tryouts, ninja. We need to know what you’re packing and how you’re executing it. No woman is trying to waste 90 days of their life for lame D. NO. BO. DY. We have bags to secure and ceilings to break. We have businesses to run and stages to slay. If your D isn’t capable of snatching my soul, I can’t risk you snatching my time, bruh. There are others so much worthier out there.

One of the greatest lies men tell themselves is that women sleep with them in hopes that it’ll keep them. LMAO. No, honey, we’re just testing to see if it’s worth your keeping us. Last week, there was a discussion on my FB page about whether bad sex was a dealbreaker. Hell yes, it is, but there were differing opinions. Some believe that it isn’t a dealbreaker and they would work with the guy. I’m in my 30s. My time is quite valuable, and I just can’t be holding remedial classes in my spare time.

I would hope, in 2018, we’ve dismissed the old idea that a woman’s sex life defines who she is. Women’s bodies have the same urges and same demands male bodies have. We do exhibit more discipline, but that isn’t due solely to of our genetics. We just don’t want to fuck most of y’all. So truly, be flattered if we do let you slide inside. You have been blessed with this opportunity. And honestly, put that energy into acing this audition. Some of y’all carrying egos bigger than your equipment. *sad face*


It is disappointing to think how many women are out there settling for mediocre D or denying their natural urges to either keep a man or not scare away a man. It’s as if they’re contributing to their own oppression. Listen, if you want to give in and have sex, just do it. If he’s the type of man who will judge you for doing such, he was going to do so regardless. And why would you try to impress someone like that anyway? And honey, if the sex is bad, cut that boy loose. Life is already a struggle. Why invite that struggle into your bedroom?

What works for one doesn’t always work for the other. Please don’t extrapolate my message from this post and open your legs to every man you find attractive. (Of course, if you want to, go right ahead.) I only want you to stop choosing not to do things because of how you will be perceived. Maybe you had a bad day at work and you just need to be broken off. Maybe it’s been awhile, and his cologne is tickling the right ivories. Maybe you just need a nut. Get it.


Don’t get it confused. The first one was an audition. He gotta pay before he gets a callback. Your objective was just to confirm he deserved a second invitation.

2 thoughts on “Auditions Will Be Held at 9

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