Writing articles lately hasn’t been an easy task for me. There’s only so much about my relationship I’m willing to detail publicly (or that he’s willing to allow). Also, my energy level hasn’t been the same since my surgery, and work & stress take the little I do have. The paramount reason has been that I do not like to write from a hypocritical standpoint. I am unable to write with an angry perspective when I’m happy, and I can’t tell you to know your worth when I’m constantly flailing to grasp mine.
Listen, I believe no healing comes from lies so let me share my truth as it stands on June 1, 2018. I am very emotionally and physically attached to the man I’m with. Mentally and spiritually, though, it is a struggle week to week. We argue. We ignore each other for a few days. One of us apologizes, and everything is calm until the next difficult conversation. It’s a cycle that takes a toll on my energy. I’m up; I’m down. The shit’s exhausting.
It would be easy to paint this picture as if our relationship was perfect. #blacklove and #relationshipgoals Nah, playa. This shit vacillates. I know memes and “relationship gurus” out there will tell you that love shouldn’t be hard, a real man wouldn’t let this happen, a woman should be this to him, when it’s real, you’ll know it, blah blah. You know how many couples KNEW it was real and still found themselves at the divorce table? There ain’t no rhyme or reason, manual or guide. There exists no guarantee. You just put yourself out there, honestly and wholly, and turn the rest over to God.
Or you try. I snapped in my texts as soon as I woke up this morning. Then navigated to my Bible app and the Verse Of The Day was “The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14) Well…I failed at that. The greatest weapon any woman has is silence, but I couldn’t properly utilize that armament even when my happiness is dependent upon on it. I canNOT keep my thoughts to myself.
In your mid-30s, your tolerance level shifts downhill. You can spot a man who will waste your time from the next room. You tout your independence and survival of past not-shit relationships and wrap yourself in them like a security blanket when you’re home alone. But those nights get lonely. You can take all the trips you wish, climb every rung on the corporate ladder, buy the highest thread count you can afford…That bed will still grow cold at night. So when you do find a man who makes it past your guards, you’re grateful. And you will hold onto him longer than you should because do you know how long it took to even find him?! You do not want to go back to a dry phone and an empty bed.
It’s that fear of starting over yet again. It’s that fear of addressing your own shortcomings and accepting majority of the fault may be yours. It’s that fear of seeing the judgment on your friends’ faces who will take joy in finding out he wasn’t shit either. Let’s all be honest. We may have our sister circles, but we’re human. It’s hard to see someone else win when you’re not. Most terrifying, though, is the fear of looking stupid. You’ve invested time in this man. You’ve bragged about this man. You’ve already discussed your wedding in the group chat. You can’t swallow your pride and let him go. You gotta make this shit work!
Relationships are hard. Dating is hard. You can set your standards and never compromise. You can be flexible and understanding. Either way, you could still end up with your heart broken. The older we get, the more baggage we bring with us. And we collect more everyday. I carry my disappointments from past relationships every day, and that shit is heavy. Maybe you’ll meet a man who is willing to understand and help lighten the burden. Maybe. More likely, that man will have baggage of its own. We are all trying to reach our “Happily Ever Afters,” and every time it revealed itself as a dead end, it left a mark on us.
Two days ago, I was singing from the rafters how I wanted to marry this man. Today, I’m not responding to his texts. 🤷🏾♀️ C’est la vie. By my next post, I may be foolishly in love again or maybe I hoed myself through the weekend. We have real issues between us. Unanswered questions. Flippant tongues. (Ok well, just one of those. 🤦🏾♀️) Exes. Different cultures and beliefs. Inappropriate comments from friends. Who knows what this will look like when it fully unravels.
Maybe I’m too difficult for Forever. Maybe he isn’t the right man. Maybe his position demands a better woman. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Only time knows the truth. I’m not afraid to show you that not every day is cute and happy. It ain’t. I’ve
cried glared myself to sleep and awakened with fire in my eyes and disrespect on my tongue. He’s looked at me with anger and loathing and walked away from me. At any moment, this could all prove to be a waste of time. This relationship may reveal itself as fraud. People greet you with their representative. We lure each other in by appearing to be all the other needs. And if we’re not, we bury the negative, highlight or create the positive. Sooner or later, what’s buried will surface and demand to be addressed. Finding your Boaz is a difficult journey. There are people who get divorced after 50 years together. It took 50 years to realize you’d gotten it wrong?! The thought of such scars me to my core.
My only advice to you is to not make someone your home until you know and have tested the structural damage in their foundation. You must go through the storm to know if your relationship will withstand its violent impact. Be thankful for the storm, but never be so attached that you fail to issue eviction papers and bail when necessary. I don’t fear being alone. I fear being wrong.