Dear Yoni…

Dear Pussy:

I truly need to beg your forgiveness. I apologize for every time I gave you away for less than your worth. I apologize for any time I allowed an Unqualified to believe they could get close to you. I am truly sorry for any time I subjected you to D that couldn’t fulfill you.

The biggest mistakes I’ve made in life could all be rooted in my allowing others to set my price—Lessees masquerading as Buyers, presenting an offer that should have gotten them laughed off the lot. Instead, I accepted it with the hope my value will be realized at a later date. A quote attributed to Eartha Kitt says, “Many men wanted to lay my down. Only a few wanted to pick me up.” Pussy, I am sorry for settling for the former instead of having the courage to wait on the latter.


These little pussies got some power. More than we give you credit for. I’ve seen your results: bills paid, flights booked, careers ruined, crying Negros on couches. Hell, I’ve had your results on my inner thighs, amongst other places. 😒 Moreover, just the possibility of you, Pussy, has gotten men fired.

With all this potential, I still remember in my 20s when I gave you to a man who didn’t have a dollar to buy you a Mickey D’s sundae on his way over. True story. I knew he was broke, but I didn’t know he was THAT broke. My bad. Or that summer I willingly placed you in a community dick’s rotation. Girl, I am sorry!


I am quite surprised you didn’t quit me back then. Become so done with my stupid hoe bullshit that you punished me with BV. You did give me menstrual cramps for 3 months straight once. I guess that was you trying to teach my dumb ass a lesson. Regardless, I thank you for sticking with me.

As women, our outer set of lips talk a lot of shit that our inner set of lips would call bullshit on. We front like our pussy sits on a pedestal only to be reached by those with the tenacity and consistency to complete the climb when it can actually be reached by the right “WYD?” text. We say our pussy is worth having a ring put on it when, au contraire, it’s being given to men who’ve already put rings on a different one. We think our pussy will have the power to convert these situationships into relationships. LOL Pussy works like this. Similarly to how a car depreciates as soon as it’s driven off the lot, pussy depreciates as soon as it’s given away for less than its worth. Start how you want to finish.

Pussy, look, I am truly sorry. I offered my love to others instead of to you first. I tried to use your talents for a commitment. But I should’ve been loving you and waiting on the person who wanted to share you with me. Pussy, you are an experience! Tight embraces, warm heat, slippery surfaces, and limitless flexibility. You got a four wheel drive, built to handle anything. No matter the depth or the turbulence. 😉 I wasn’t trying to hide you from the world, pussy; I was trying to hide the world from you.


You’ve been undervalued by your users and most importantly, by me. I hope you’re open to my apology. No broke fingers will stroke you. The stink of poverty will never sniff you. Your lips will never wrap around poor dick. I know what you want, what you need, what you deserve. Ain’t a dick in existence that wouldn’t cum if given the chance to sample you. Yet there’s a plethora of dick incapable of delivering you to the promised land. Why are we acting like dick is the prize? Dick disappoints far more frequently than it satisfies.

Money never disappoints however. No one encourages niggas to fuck an unattractive woman, suggesting they just stick it out. With the right man, she’ll start to look like the woman she was supposed to resemble. 😒 So why encourage women to stick by a broke man and support him in his broke-ness? HA! Pussy doesn’t need to compromise. It needs to be earned. There needs to be a minimum deposit of a set amount to open an account with Pussy. Proof is required before negotiations can even start.

It doesn’t matter what unqualified users were allowed in the past. Today is a new day. The market does not determine your value. Your value determines the market. Be unconcerned by the next woman appearing to have more suitors than you. There’s never a shortage of customers at the Kia dealership. Anyone can walk on the lot and purchase one. By contrast, a McLaren dealership is rare; its customers even rarer. The majority of McLarens visible on a lot are already spoken for. To own a McLaren, not only do you have to be invited to apply, you also have to send a six-figure deposit. If your application is approved, you’re then invited to test drive. You’re a quarter million in before one is even allowed behind the wheel.


Is that a Kia or McLaren between your legs? There will be no men sampling our pussy for a text and promise of a future. You don’t fuck then get some money. Get the money then you fuck.

Being broke and being husband material are mutually exclusive. Ain’t no such thing. Having good D but no money is highly unlikely to occur. I can’t find out if the dick is good if one can’t afford for me to do so.

Pussy, I was fucking up. But I’m now in formation.

With my sincere apologies,



2 thoughts on “Dear Yoni…

  1. Lawd! Help me Jesus! “Become so done with my stupid hoe bullshit that you punished me with BV.”. Jesus give us strength. Because that part took me out due to the truthfulness of it!


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