Auditions Will Be Held at 9

You know what’s outdated? Flip phones.

You know what’s even more outdated? Judging women who sleep with you on the first date or within the first few.

We get you naked early to find out if you’re even worth our MFing time. These are tryouts, ninja. We need to know what you’re packing and how you’re executing it. No woman is trying to waste 90 days of their life for lame D. NO. BO. DY. We have bags to secure and ceilings to break. We have businesses to run and stages to slay. If your D isn’t capable of snatching my soul, I can’t risk you snatching my time, bruh. There are others so much worthier out there.

One of the greatest lies men tell themselves is that women sleep with them in hopes that it’ll keep them. LMAO. No, honey, we’re just testing to see if it’s worth your keeping us. Last week, there was a discussion on my FB page about whether bad sex was a dealbreaker. Hell yes, it is, but there were differing opinions. Some believe that it isn’t a dealbreaker and they would work with the guy. I’m in my 30s. My time is quite valuable, and I just can’t be holding remedial classes in my spare time.

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Makeup Sex

We Sagittarians are infamous for our brutal honesty. We tend to lack tact and ignore social graces when talking. Our straightforward manner of speaking leads us to be plenty argumentative, and the accuracy of that is astounding in my case. If you ask anyone who knows me personally why I’m not married, they’d probably offer my mouth. If you asked my past lovers why we weren’t successful, they’d say my mouth. If you ask my mother what my main malfunction is, she’d also say my mouth.

My tactless tongue has caused me plenty grief in several areas of my life particularly relationships, but it has also led me to some of the greatest makeup sex. Is there anything better than having a man traumatize your yoni? I mean, pin your ankle to your shoulder and just have no mercy? Aggressively remind you and that mouth of yours which one of you is holding 7+ inches?

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Where’s The Rest of It?

“Your eyes are bigger than your stomach!”

I’m certain that I wasn’t the only child hearing this as they grow up. You see something delicious and take more of it than you are capable. But you really really want it and you convince yourself that you are going to EAT IT ALL. But you can’t. Your mom was right. And if she was like my mother, she still made you stay at the table until you finished. I assumed she was just being mean, but it was to teach us not to do that again. To know your limits.


Why so many of y’all keep wading in waters you can’t swim in?

Diving into depths where you can’t reach the bottom?

Trying to handle curves your skills aren’t equipped for?

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