Writing articles lately hasn’t been an easy task for me. There’s only so much about my relationship I’m willing to detail publicly (or that he’s willing to allow). Also, my energy level hasn’t been the same since my surgery, and work & stress take the little I do have. The paramount reason has been that I do not like to write from a hypocritical standpoint. I am unable to write with an angry perspective when I’m happy, and I can’t tell you to know your worth when I’m constantly flailing to grasp mine.
Listen, I believe no healing comes from lies so let me share my truth as it stands on June 1, 2018. I am very emotionally and physically attached to the man I’m with. Mentally and spiritually, though, it is a struggle week to week. We argue. We ignore each other for a few days. One of us apologizes, and everything is calm until the next difficult conversation. It’s a cycle that takes a toll on my energy. I’m up; I’m down. The shit’s exhausting.
Full Disclosure – I have no idea what a good man looks like.
So if you’re visiting my site for the twelve steps to finding the man of your dreams, you are in the wrong place. I know as much as you do, possibly even less. All I can offer you are my experiences and honesty, and we can learn to traverse dating in 2018 together. I don’t know where, when, and how to find a good man. I can’t tell you what signs to look for to determine if your investment has any future. I can’t advise you what determines a red flag and if such is forgivable. (Unless he doesn’t like 90s R&B. Then you need to let him go. He ain’t kinfolk.) In other words, I am not your relationship whisperer. What authority do I have to define how success and happiness should look for you?
Furthermore, what authority does anyone have? Meme after meme, article after article, advice from friend after friend. Everyone has suggestions and recommendations for your situation, and most will contradict each other. “Be your man’s peace.” “You gotta let that man know you’re not to be fucked with.” “A real man will never let you go to bed angry.” “A successful man is a busy man. Learn to control your attitude.” When your peers and social media fail you, you decide to resort to wisdom. You talk to your mom and grandmother and aunties. One will undoubtedly tell you to just let a man will be a man; whereas, one of your aunts will tell you all men ain’t shit. And it all ends with you being in a worst place mentally than you were before you sought outside counsel.
There seems to be a hesitation in me to writing this, and that surprises me. As many of you have noted, I will say what I say unapologetically, and time to time, I may share a few selective personal truths. That isn’t because I ain’t nevuh scurred; it’s more that I really don’t care what y’all think. I do thank you for reading my thoughts, and I hope you enjoy them, but I honestly DGAF about someone’s opinions about my life. People only know what you let them know, and moreover, why would you care about the thoughts of someone who has no vested interest in the responsibilities of your life?
Therefore, the hesitation in writing this is unfamiliar to me, and I surmise it is because I don’t want anyone out there to take my words and attempt to fit them into your lives. You’re not me; my man isn’t your man. Our stories do not align so do not force a narrative. Before I go any further, let me state that at this moment, I’m not sure exactly where my ramblings will take and/or if I will post it. So if you are reading this, I apologize if it lacks rhyme or reason. The words that follow are free-flowing and are about me and the past eight weeks to five months and beyond of my life. When you’re changing, you don’t usually notice until you look back, but I fear internal change so deeply that the transition I’m ongoing has me aware of every second. And if I have to offer a thesis about the current stage in my journey…I got it bad y’all.